The 5 Circles of Friendship

(and Why You're Not a Bad Friend)

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship lately, and how different it feels in our current world compared to the one we grew up in.

Thirty years ago, you might have had a best friend you spent every afternoon with after school. But once high school ended, life took you in different directions. Maybe you saw each other over winter break or bumped into one another at the grocery store. You caught up, promised to get together soon…and then didn’t. And that was okay.

Today, it Feels Different.

Thanks to social media, that “drifting apart” phase is rarely clean or complete. We’re still digitally connected to old classmates, former coworkers, and that mom from playgroup. We scroll past their vacations, their birthday parties, their career wins—and sometimes we feel a twinge of guilt. I should reach out. We used to be so close.

For those of us in our late 30s and early 40s, we’re the first generation to navigate this awkward middle ground. We’re still figuring out how to feel okay not staying in touch with everyone we’ve ever known.

Let me paint a picture: Imagine your mom, 40 years ago, walking through the grocery store with you in tow. She bumps into an old high school friend. “Oh my goodness! It’s been forever!” they say. They swap quick life updates, maybe exchange phone numbers, and then… probably never call. No hard feelings. Life moves on.

But today? That same exchange might happen in person and continue online. The “we should get together!” texts hang in the air. The pressure builds. If we don’t follow through, it feels like a failure.

So, what if we reclaimed and reframed it? What if friendship wasn’t all-or-nothing?

The Five Circles of Friendship

This is a model I’ve been using with my kids for a few years to help them understand the many ways we connect with others. It turns out that not everyone needs to be the BE FRI to our ST ENDS. It also helped me feel less guilty about friendships that have shifted over time. Instead of thinking of friendship as a tiered pyramid or a shrinking list, we talk about circles—fluid and flexible.

Here’s how we break it down: